You said...

You said...
      I only hear what I want to.

You said...
     I don't pay attention.

You said...
    I'm stubborn.

You said...
    I don't listen to what you have to say.

You implied...
    You don't trust me...


And do you know what I will say?


I'll say...
    What the hell do you take me for?!
    You are just the same as me.

Playing the Waiting Game

Currently I have been stuck at home waiting for an important phone call. It is the ONE phone call which will determine the future of mine. It has already been a month of waiting. However I can't do anything about it. I can only WAIT... and WAIT... and WAIT....

Will You Remember Me When I'm Gone?

Once a friend asked me, "Are you afraid of dying?" Without thinking much, I hastily replied NO. At that time, I was not afraid of death because I never really knew what death is. Until... that same friend of mine took his own life a few months later. It was then that I had a slightly better understanding on what death truly is. Right now, if that question was thrown at me again, what will my answer be? Some people are afraid of the pain inflicted by death, while others are afraid of leaving their loved ones behind. As for me, I think I am more fearful of losing my loved ones, especially my family and friends.

Anyway, what I want to do today is to share with you an excerpt from Have a Little Faith, a book by Mitch Albom, concerning another reason on why people fear death. This is a conversation between Mitch Albom and the deceased Albert Lewis, who is referred here as 'Reb'.

As a child, I truly believed there was a Book of Life, some huge, dusty thing in a library in the sky, and once a year, on the Day of Atonement, God flipped through the pages with a feathered quill pen and - check, check, X, check - you lived or you died. I was always afraid that I wasn't praying hard enough, that I needed to shut my eyes tighter to will God's pen from one side to the other.

What do people fear most about death? I asked the Reb.

"Fear?" He thought for a moment. "Well, for one thing, why happens next? Where do we go? Is it what we imagined?

That's big.

"Yes. But there is something else."

What else?

He leaned forward.

"Being forgotten," he whispered.

That really took me by surprise. I never realized that being forgotten could be a reason. Although Albert Lewis did not further elaborate his point, the author gave his own thoughts concerning it.

To think that you died and no one would remember you. I wondered if this was why we tried so hard to make our mark in America. To be known. Think of how important celebrity has become. We sing to get famous; lose weight, eat bugs, even commit murder to get famous. Our young people post their deepest thoughts on public Web sites. They run cameras from their bedrooms. It's as if we are screaming, Notice me! Remember me! Yet the notoriety barely lasts. Names quickly blur and in time are forgotten.

Don't you think that this is a sensible explanation? Come on, let's face it, nobody is going to remember you if you haven't done anything out of the ordinary. Being plain and simple does make life easier but it's hard for others to even recall your name. On the other hand, even if you have done something notorious, there will always be something else that is far worse than what has been done. Maybe you will be remembered for a short period of time but eventually, people do forget. In this case, it's kind of harsh, don't you think so? I mean, I will still hope that when it's my time to go, there will be people to leave flowers on my grave. It's like a sign that I did exist in some ways, I guess...

What about you? Are you afraid of being forgotten?

CPR time

It is time for resuscitate my blog.

Hey y'all, what's up? It's been a long while since I last wrote an entry. I hope you all have been doing well :). I, on the other hand, have been sick *coughing, to be precise for a few days now. I don't have a fever, so I am NOT infected with H1N1. However, because H1N1 infection is getting more and more serious each day, I just stayed home to avoid all the auntie's gibberish talking about H1N1 and gossips about who has been infected yadda yadda yadda...

Putting that aside, I have finished my bachelor degree!!!!! I am beyond thrilled when I got my final results! I am so glad that I have made it! Haha! Now I am excited for my graduation! You know, initially, I did not want to attend the graduation ceremony. I felt that I did not accomplished anything worthy for any celebration. I talked to my family about it and my parents told me, "Up to you, it is your choice." In the end, I registered for graduation. My brother changed my conception about the entire thing. He said that, "This is a milestone. This is what you have accomplished so far and you may not be happy about it. But, these are the things are going to bring you further on what you are going to be next. It might be bigger, better and maybe something you might be proud of." I suppose he is right. It is just kind of weird that I didn't want to go for graduation in the beginning and now I am actually excited???? Strange but true. Anyway, that's it for today! Let me know what you think about my new look for my blog! Bye!

Stolen

The number plate on the front and back of a car was stolen. Funny that it happened on the day I borrowed the car from a friend... :'( very unlucky... What I do not understand is why they want to steal the car plate in the first place. It doesn't cost much anyway. Due to that incident, I had to go and make a police report. Not a place that I like to go as it reminds me of my previous visit where I need to make a report on my very first serious car accident. Not exactly a fond memory of mine... Anyway, I was feeling rather guilty for not taking care of the car properly. Fortunately, my friend was really understanding that she even paid for the new car plate herself! Sigh... That's the only interesting thing that happened today. OK. Back to the books!

The Disgusting Reality about Death

I am extremely disappointed with people at times. I really dislike the way they handle themselves especially when it comes to money issues. It's really disgusting.

As we all know, death is part of the life cycle. People will die eventually. Family and relatives will be of course sad over someone's death whom they knew for a very long time. Anyway, let's fast forward the sorrowful part of the funeral to the post-funeral, shall we? Now, what normally happens after the funeral? Especially if the person who died used to be a rich person? Obviously, money. People will fight with each other over the matter that who should receive the family inheritance and who should not. Even if the written will states that everyone should get an equal amount of money, I find that a lot of families do not follow according to the written will. Each one is looking out for themselves, wanting more money than the other. So they argue, fight, scold, dispute, blaming one other and see who is willing to give up their portion. Most of the time, there will be one who backs off.
Those people who stepped down are normally those who can survive with or without the money. It is possible that they may feel that it is not necessary to fight with their siblings over the matter of money. You would think that this would settle the problem and the family will be in harmony again. But NO... These people GLOAT over their so called 'victory' and belittle the other who did not want the inheritance. What the hell is that? It's absolutely disgusting! Moreover, they will keep reminding the incident over and over again to affirm that the one in the family did not get the money. Do you think that those people who back off want to stay in the family any longer? Obviously NOT. Don't these people realize that they are fighting with their siblings?? Don't they realize that the inheritance they 'gain' is only temporary??? And they are willing to give up the years and memories that they had together as a family just for MONEY??? I know money is important and all, but it is low to betray your family over money! It is just sickening! DARN THOSE PEOPLE WHO ARE CONSUMED ONLY BY MONEY!!!!

Give me a glimpse of what lies ahead...

I screwed up..
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
now what????

decisions... decisions... decisions...
The future is waiting for the author to lift up her pen and write another chapter. What will she decide and how will she move the mountain in front of her? *tapping the pen repeatedly*

Can't Sleep

I am sitting here, in front of the computer, getting what I deserved for procrastinating my work. It's already 1 something and I am still working to finish off my Psychology essay. Still left a few hundred words. It will be finished very quickly if I could just set my mind and heart to it. Sadly, right now at this moment, I have been bothered about something for quite a while now. I know that I don't fully understand her and I know we are not that close. However, it just pains me to see someone, who you see on a daily basis, keep herself away from everyone else. I understand that all of us needs some private time by ourselves, but sometimes it just hurts because you know you can't do anything at all in this kind of situation. There are some things that you know that you can't tell her. Even if you tell, it doesn't mean she will accept it willingly. To do something or not to do something - that is truly the mystery. It's like you do something about it, it's wrong. If you don't do anything about it, it is also wrong.

Ehhh... hold on a second... Why do I suddenly sound like a guy caught in the girl problem..????? *a long awkward pause*

Anyway, I guess I finally understand that there are some things that she needs to realize it herself. There is nothing I can do but just to pray for her.
Gosh.. It's already 2AM!!! I've got to get back to finish my essay!!!! GOOD NIGHT!!!

Asking Myself "Why?"

Gosh I am so not focus at all. I should be doing my long report but I just can't help thinking. Thinking about my future. I am going to graduate in September and I am always unsure of what I want. Sometimes I think that I want to be this, sometimes I think I want that. The people around me can't help me at all because I must admit, I am one hell of a stubborn girl. Not that I mean to, but it just always happen like that. I really do admire those people who know what they want in life and know how to get it as well. Personally, I feel that when you truly know what you want, you will fight for it no matter how hard it gets. There are some people asked me why I do not want to pursue journalism. It's no denying that I like to write, but I do not feel I am creative nor do I feel that my english is up to standard. Honestly I do not know... I guess what my house sister said to me was right. She said I cannot make a firm decision and stand by it. I totally agree.. but WHY? I keep asking myself. WHY can't I MAKE a FIRM decision??? The mystery thickens....

Putting my two cents in it...

Two things happen today... One good and one bad. *after 5 minutes* Wait... scratch that, make that three. This morning, I received an email that goes... Lol... I didn't mention about this contest on my blog. So I better make some clarifications. Earlier in the month of April, as I was surfing SurfLoft.com, I saw an interesting title "Caricatures". I had no idea what a caricature is. According to Wikipedia, a caricature is 'a portrait that exaggerates or distorts the essence of a person or thing to create an easily identifiable visual likeness.' So the post was about a contest and the prize is a free caricature! I was really intrigued and said to myself, "Why not?" Spontaneously, I entered the contest. I never really expect to win, actually. I kept saying to myself, "The probability of you winning is very low. Don't get your hopes up!" HAhaha... I was so thrilled when I found out this morning that I won!!!! I had sent my picture to the artistic dynamic duo, theeggyolks. Go check out their artworks! They are pretty amazing! Now I just need to wait patiently for my caricature to be drawn....!!!! CAN'T WAIT!!!!! That was the good news of the day.

HOWEVER, the mood was ruined as something happen later that night. I was talking on the phone with a certain someone, we had a fight. It reminds me of the fight we had before. It's still the same situation that both of us haven't overcome yet. I really can't understand her in this particular issue. I don't see her views. She got mad and we fought over the phone. Sigh... it gets so freaking frustating some times when it comes to living and interacting with people. I feel that the Lord is giving me so many environments and situations that I can't or don't know how to deal. I was really sad and confused about what I should do next. However, after praying and submitting myself to the Lord, I felt a lot better. There was still that little uneasiness stirring within me, that is when the Lord gave me another situation that completely diverts my attention from the fight.

What happened??? It happened JUST NOW. A cockroach was on the wall!!! That totally spooked me out! Crap, gotta kill this little cretin! I don't even know how it got in and where it came from! Thankfully, this one doesn't fly. If it does, I will run away! Anyway, after killing the cockroach, I feel way much better right now. HAha.. now I can smile and go to sleep peacefully. Good night.

Food Troubles

After three whole years eating the university's cafeteria food, this is the first time I actually encountered a headache from eating! Not only was it expensive and I was cheated in taking onion rings when they were actually fried sotong rings!! Man.. I had to skip my Psychology lecture because of that headache. Was having a hard time concentrating to do anything. So what did I end up doing? I went up to the third floor of library, pulled out two sofa chairs to face each other and BAM... I fell asleep. Normally I wouldn't do such a thing especially when there was a bunch of students hanging around there *embarrassed*, but I couldn't help myself. It distracted me from my revision. I didn't go home immediately because I had some other things to attend to later in the evening. I woke myself up twice during my two hours of 'nap' and each time I woke up, I found out there were more people sleeping on the sofas as well. Either it is the bad food from the cafeteria, or those students had finished their assignments for the day. Glad that it was just a minor headache. Felt much better after a good rest. Therefore, the lesson for today is not to consume the butter chicken in the cafeteria ever again! Sigh... It did taste good though...

Should I terminate the link to part of my memories...?

I have been thinking about something for the past few days now...
and I still couldn't make up my mind about it... Sigh...
The thing that I have been thinking about is...

whether or not...

should I or should I not....

DELETE my Friendster account? Before you whack me in the head saying that this is not something you should ponder about for a few days, let me explain first...

The Reason to DELETE Friendster ACCOUNT
I don't use Friendster anymore, I prefer Facebook. What is the point of keeping an account when you need to constantly try to recall your password whenever you want to log in? Besides, I don't update my Friendster anymore, neither do most of my friends... I think most of them switched to Facebook as well...

HOWEVER...
The ULTIMATE Reason to KEEP Friendster ACCOUNT
The testimonials... Gosh I got them way back from college days... Brings back a lot of memories... College was the best time of my life because that was when I fell in love, got a whole lot of punching bags, scratching posts, met two of my best friends... I was just looking through them and gosh.. I really couldn't bear to delete the account anymore... GGGAHHHH... What should I do??!??!

Let me show some of the few testimonials that I really really like!

This is my one and only husband :D
My scratching post

My outstanding feature!

My nicknames
My darling (we share the same husband) *wink*

It really does bring back a lot of wonderful memories...
well... wonderful for me... maybe not so for the guys...
After a long battling between the pros and cons... the final verdict is... I just don't have the heart to delete my Friendster account just yet... Oh well....

I shall be there soon enough

Another ten more days before I head back to Subang Jaya...

-_-lll Suddenly I feel chills running through my spine....

A continuation of a hectic life awaits for my return...
Buddy Program - Late February
Two new subjects - The entire semester
MCAT - Middle of April
Simulated Patients Program - The whole semester (not confirmed yet)
Writer for SurfLoft.com - extension for a month or two? (Haven't decided)

Can I even manage?????!??!?! No idea.... -_-lll

Excited? You bet! Anxious... but excited at the same time!

DND

I really feel like crying but I am not able to squeeze out a teardrop.
I really feel pain but numb at the same time.
I really do not know what to do but deep down, I think I know the answer.
I really do not to want do it but I feel that I must.
I think I'm sure but I'm not at all.
Gosh... I am really feeling very insecure about myself.
Why is everybody speaking contradictory things about me?!?!?!??!?!?
One say that I'm good at something, the other say that I'm the worst at the same thing.
WELL, WHICH ONE IS IT!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?
Now I am just being mad!
The people that says that I'm good at that something, must be either lying to me or think too highly of me.
The other group that says me being the worst in that same thing, is definitely NOT LYING to me.
It's like telling me to throw whatever I've learned out the window and begin from scratch!!
I JUST WANNA SCREEEEAAAAMMMM but just can't!! DAMN IT!

Talking to Me, Myself and I

Present Self:
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!!!!!!! WOW!!! I am beyond estactic!!!

Reality Self:
Calm down... Calm down.... Ohhh get a grip! It might not work out... I have three things to manage now! And I know my time management is terrible! Don't get over excited!

Balance Self:
Don't worry, I just need to find the right balance when I juggle with three things.

Nervous Self:
*stammered* Are you sure?? Do you think I'll be all right?? Gosh.... What did I get myself into?

Positivity Self:
I just have to do my best... And who knows? It might turn out better than I expected it!

Cracking my head to all possibilities

It's been one week plus since I left my second home in Subang, back to the Land of Temptations. Ever since I got back, plenty have been going through my mind - mainly, I was thinking about how should I spend my 3 LONG MONTHS of holiday! Yes, yes... I know. It is EXTREMELY LONG! Let me tell you a short story how a girl's dream was shattered in one day...

.....:::::.::::......

It was during a normal dinner, just within the family. You know, family dinners, the conversations can vary from politics to history, gossips to family members, behaviors to possibilities - you get the idea. So, for just a short moment, the parents of this naive girl jokingly said that she could go to JAPAN to find her brother. Never in her right mind would she think that it was even a possibility as her parents were extremely overprotective over her. This thought was implanted into her brain, and she started to think, "Why NOT?" So the next day, she called up her eldest brother in JAPAN and told him about it. He doesn't mind at all! This response really hyped up this girl - her entire being was filled with EXCITEMENT and CHILLS! Going to JAPAN for a month was really a HUMONGOUS thing for her! She was filled with joy and hope when she slept that night.

HOWEVER, it all shattered into pieces when her eldest brother was FINALLY able to make it to her other brother's convocation (in the beginning he said he couldn't find a reasonable fare). In other words, NO JAPAN because my eldest brother had took up his leave for this convocation. Of course, in-dubiously, she was SUPER bummed but her POSITIVITY nature starts to kick in. The bright side was she could go to JAPAN after she finished all her course, which is just another six months if everything goes well. It is a possibility after all. =D so for now, DREAM TO GO TO JAPAN - POSTPONED

.......::::.::::.........

Anyway, I am back to where I started - what to do during the holidays???? A job would be nice but it has to be part time though due to some personal reasons. At least I could earn some cash for my phone - been using a bit too much. So what part time jobs can I do from Jan to mid-Feb....
=> Promoter
=> Online jobs (writer)
=> Sales
=> Lab (have to ask my previous supervisor though)
=> Waitress
Any vacancy people? I have applied for some but have yet gotten a reply. Do you guys got any other suggestions or recommendations?? HELP ME~!

Progress.... but extremely slow

Man... it is already the fifth week.

Good news?
1. um......... well.... maybe.... there isn't any good news yet....

Bad news?
1. two reports due this week
2. one assignment due
3. have to prepare for oral presentation

More bad news?
1. Lack of determination
2. No motivation
3. Still slothful
4. Lost in lectures

-_-"" Yes... I know, I am utterly hopeless..... BLAH.....

Don't ask me why but I am just easily distracted when I am addicted to something. Lately I have been doing just that.... JUST THAT ONE THING...... therefore, in the end, I wasted a whole lot of time and even did something that I shouldn't have done. If I don't stop myself soon, well, let just say that I wouldn't have a future at all. Sometimes I feel so pathetic. Looks like the only place that I can get some work done is in the university library. Sigh.... So here I am, taking a break after I did my report halfway. I don't know why there is so many students in the library today. Are they having exams already? I really doubt it. Maybe it is the assignment season. Anyway, I better get back to work. Will write more next time.

To Grandpa....

I always like to call him "grandpa" whenever I see him...
I even promised him that I would tell him the real reason why I called him that when we graduate next year...

He was stubborn like a little kid when we argue.

He would swear and cursed whenever he is pissed... even though he tried his best to control himself.

He would often call up and we would just talk nonsense, purely because he was bored or in a bad mood.

He would ALWAYS talk about FOOD.... his conversations about food were endless...

He gave me something odd on my birthday even though he didn't know it was my birthday that day.

His favorite phrases when talking to me were, "Don't fall down, ok?" and "You are beginning to trust my judgments now, aren't you?"

He would bring me to his favorite places to eat.

He would give me a ride home from school whenever he is on the way.

.......I have known the guy for just only six months! Just six months! Yet... He was a good friend to me...

These days, I kept thinking back about what he had said before.

He told me, "When everyone gets back from their holidays, I am going to have a party and I am going to cook for you guys."

"Maybe the first weekend of the new semester, we can go camping!"

"Next time, I will bring you to this nice place, the food there is awesome!"

*
*
*
*
*

...........Nick, if I ever see you again, the first thing I would say to you is this...

"YOU MORON!" and I'm going to punch you in the stomach really hard.

I miss you, Grandpa...

A Friend Died....

............

Speechless.....

I didn't believe it when I received the news....

Just couldn't believe it......

Trust

Trust… Is it that hard to trust someone? Is it hard to believe in someone? No, it’s not difficult at all… It is so much easier to believe others than believing in your own self. They say it is because that you don’t have faith in yourself, that’s why people are doubtful of your capabilities. Then how much longer must one prove that he/she can be trusted? It is just plain irritating and discouraging at the same time when they are right in the end… It just lowers one’s self esteem… or is it just because of pride? Unwilling to admit defeat and proving the other is wrong… are all just self-pride, aren’t they? Sigh… emotionally it seems so complicated, clueless about how to deal with it.

Thankfully, at least I know now that when others do not have faith in you or your capabilities, do not trust in your capabilities to do a certain thing, no matter how hurt and useless you may feel, there will ALWAYS be ONE Person believing in you no matter how untrustworthy, irresponsible or despicable you are in person.

“Oh Lord Jesus, thank You Lord,

For having such a mercy on Your slave,

Thank You for loving me the way that I am,

Believing in me for the things that I thought that I could handle or couldn’t handle,

Lord, I am willing, willing to let Christ make home in my heart,

Lord, I want to live under Your light.

Lord, continue to expose me more and more in my daily living,

Turn me to You whenever and whatever,

May I become a useful vessel to You, Lord Jesus.

Cause me to believe You when my faith is small,

Cause me to trust You when my strength is frail,

Cause me to love You more and more,

To know You better. Amen”