Friday, November 16, 2007

What Should I Do?

At this very particular moment, I wish I could scream, I wish I could throw a tantrum and I wish I could slap or hurt somebody. Three wishes. If Genies do exist, I know I will regret it.

I just had to get out of the house. Too suffocating for me. Walking did relieve a little of the mix emotions that I am having this early morning. It made me breathe and also did calm me down. However, as I am typing this post, all the anger, frustrations, humiliations, guilt, sorrow and hate are slowing creeping back in to the chambers of my soul. It's always the little things that bothered me. ALWAYS. It is never the big things. Um... well... this time is quite big... at least to me. I still think I deserve to be respected as a friend or as a sister. I have my dignity too. I tried. I tried. I just can't stand it anymore. Here it goes again, my mind is now filling with doctrinal truths. I don't even know how to act anymore. Now I know why I can't open up or tell them how I feel, because I have obtained my Dad's genes.

I was thinking a lot lately about my youth. I remembered when I was younger, I was cheerful and not much worries. I guess it's because I confined a lot of my problems to my Mum and she is always there to guide me and made me see the positive part of the whole situation. I still confined my problems to my Mum but I realize she can't always give me the recipe to solve the situation. I can't always depend on her to fight my battles. I need to face them myself, or else how am I suppose to grow up? I wish I could just let time pass by and let it take its toil of the entire situation. I don't think I want to do that anymore. It's tiring and it's too fake. But how? Right now, I don't even want to see her face or talk to her. To be quite honest, I don't know what I want from her. I don't think I want an apology, neither do I want her to pretend nothing ever happen. I just don't know how to act anymore. Be myself - to scream at her? I would love to do that but I know I won't. I don't think I want to either. I am ignoring her already. Not be myself - accept what had happen, forgive her and just move on? Did that too many times, it's building up in me.

At least I feel much better now. Writing does relieve me. Anyway, I want to go and get something to eat. I just came out of the house with an empty stomach. Till next time~

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